Final Fantasy 3: Adventure on the 1373 River
by Chadius
Summary: Chadius (with the help of Otaku) strikes again! BAM! (Some swearing, mild sexual references.)
1. Super Hyper Turbo Intro

Disclaimer: Chadius ROCKS!!!!  
  
I mean…  
  
I don't own the characters, except Author. Otaku is a friend of mine. Please God, don't let SquareSoft sue me, 'cause I have no moneys. I'm just being silly. Enjoy!  
  
*** Press Start *** (-Otaku)  
  
(Author sits on chair. Author is forced to write fanfic by a crazed otaku, who is constantly commenting on the size of his demon weenis - I mean, the game…)  
  
The camera descends through thundering clouds. Totally awesome music plays in the background. This is by far the best video game intro ever! At least on the SNES.  
  
Otaku: Yeah, Chrono Trigger's rocked, but this was better.  
  
Author starts the game. Since he has no saved games, it starts a new one.  
  
Otaku: NOOOOO!!! Skip this! Oh god no! Why won't they let me skip this???  
  
Author: Eh. Newbies gotta know…  
  
Author rolls on the floor, laughing. Otaku soon joins him.  
  
Author: Newbies, reading fanfic… Bwahahahahah!!!  
  
Otaku: Teeheehee!  
  
Author: Teeheehee? You don't talk like that!  
  
Otaku: OK. Mwahahahahahaha! Better?  
  
Author: Yes, much more evil.  
  
The camera shows a bridge, and some snow on the mountain side.  
  
Narrator: Long ago, the War of the Magi reduced the world to a scorched wasteland, and magic simply ceased to exist.  
  
Otaku: Oh god! Skip it!!  
  
Author: Well, the newbies gotta see this! *snicker*  
  
Narrator: 1000 years have passed…Iron, gunpowder, and steam engines have been rediscovered, and technology reigns…  
  
Otaku: Everyone who's reading this fanfic already played this AND they are all dreaming of skipping this part with the press of a button! It was a mistake on Square's part. The only redeemable things to non-skippable intros are naked chicks. And this has no naked chicks.  
  
Author: ….  
  
Otaku: Ah, sick! Put the demon weenis away!  
  
Author: Oh, sorry. Hey wait, I'm running this on an emulator.  
  
Author hits fast forward button.  
  
Narrator: Buttherearesomewhowouldenslavetheworldbyrevivingthedreaddestructiveforceknow nas "magic." Cntbthtthsnpwrrnthvrgfrptngsnslssndddlymstk?  
  
Otaku rolls on the floor, laughing.  
  
Otaku: OK, let's get to Vicks and Wedge. And I'll never show up again… Unless you talk again. You weren't supposed to write that! Bish!  
  
Otaku cracks whip.  
  
Author:….  
  
Otaku beats Author senseless with butt of whip.  
  
Otaku: Put the demon weenis away!  
  
Author: …Sorry mistress.  
  
Otaku: Get on with the fanfic, Bish!  
  
Author: Yes ma'am… 


	2. Wedge is GOD!

Hehe… NOW I'm ready...  
  
(Intro Story)  
  
Three mechs walk to the edge of a cliff.  
  
One of the mechs looks downward.  
  
#1: There's the town.  
  
#2: Hard to believe that an Esper's been down there for the last 1000 years, eh Biggs?  
  
#1: What did you call me?  
  
#2: Um…  
  
#1: Did you call me "Biggs?" That is definently NOT my name.  
  
#2: Really? I called you that yesterday. Heck, that was your birthday. All of the cards read "Happy HB, Viggs!" Hey, wait a second-  
  
#1 (apparently Viggs): What? What the heck are you talking about? The cards did NOT say "Viggs." At least I remember your name, Wedge.  
  
Wedge (formerly #2): Yeah, Wedge is right. But your name, I thought it was Bicks…  
  
Viggs (apparently Bicks): No, that's not my name, either.  
  
Wedge: But, I thought it was Biggs and Wedge. You know, it was supposed to be a reference from that sci-fi thingie… Star Quest, Space Wars… What was it...  
  
Millions of hardcore Star Wars ™ (please don't sue me!) fans rush in from behind.  
  
Hardcore crowd: STAR WARS ™ (god, please don't sue) you bastards! You know, Wedge Antilles and Biggs Darklighter, god damn it! Biggs died in the Death Star run just after a speech with Luke in the rereleased Special Edition version of Episode IV: A New Hope! And Wedge is GOD!!!  
  
Wedge: So, is he Biggs, or what?  
  
Hardcore crowd: Um… Uh… Well…  
  
While the crowd is absolutely nuts about Star Wars, not all of them are video game aficionados. A smaller portion of the group steps forward.  
  
Smaller, but still as hardcore crowd: Um, which version are you playing?  
  
Viggs (well, we're not really sure about the name, but please bear with me): Uh... "Version?"  
  
Small Hardcore Crowd: Is this Final Fantasy 3 on the Super Nintendo or the rereleased Playstation Final Fantasy 6?  
  
Viggs: Well, Wedge?  
  
Wedge: I have no idea on what they're talking about.  
  
Finally, the third rider speaks up. She is a young woman with green hair.  
  
?????: You people are fucking idiots. Wedge, read the first line of the script.  
  
Wedge: Oh, well… "Final Fantasy 3-"  
  
?????: There. (pause) Oh right, I'm supposed to be under your control from this "slave crown" that robs me of all conscious thought.  
  
The notion of "Slave Crown" upsets the audience. They stare at "Viggs" and Wedge. Whispers of "pervert" and "ecchi" are heard.  
  
Wedge: Um… I don't do that stuff to our sexslaves – I mean, mysterious magic using "witches." Don't know about Vicks here.  
  
Vicks (formerly Viggs): Hey, that sounds right. That's my name! Vicks!  
  
Small Hardcore Crowd: Finally. OK, our job is done here. Back to the primary mission: Try to fix episode 2!  
  
The crowd of Star Wars ™ fans (holy crap LucasArts ltd., PLEASE don't hurt me. I'm just a college student making extremely obscure references. Don't sue me.) leave and the three mech riders are left alone.  
  
Vicks: Why are we here again?  
  
Wedge: *sigh * Because we need the Esper down there. And (pointing to third rider) "nameless, mind controlled woman" is going to help us blow the crap out of everything down there.  
  
Vicks: Oh.  
  
Wedge: We'll approach from the east. Move out!  
  
The Super NES gets into high gear and displays some kickass Mode 7 with some whompass music from good ol' Nobuo Uematsu. Credits roll, Magitek Armor marches on, Narshe rises from the background, and all the people who played the game back in the day get nostalgic. 


	3. GIANT MECHS: Her name is Girl

The three Magitek Armor riders approach town.  
  
Wedge: Let's put her on point. No sense taking risks. That way we can guard her rear.  
  
Vicks: ....  
  
Wedge: Ugh! NOT what I was talking about, Vicks!  
  
Vicks: Oh, sorry. Let's go forward.  
  
As they march on, two town guards approach.  
  
Guard: Imperial Magitek Armor? Not even Narshe is safe anymore!  
  
The guards attack. The two guards attack the three Magitek Armors. Let me emphasize the problem here: The guards attack GIANT METAL FREAKIN' 50-TON MECHS.  
  
??????: They're even dumber than you guys are. I mean, what is your command, master?  
  
Vicks: Uh…Kill?  
  
??????: Yes SIR!  
  
KABOOM. Many explosions. She even kills the Chihuahuas. OK, so they're probably Dobermans, but compared to the Magitek Armors… Besides, Chihuahuas are lot more annoying anyway.  
  
The guards surround them from both sides.  
  
Guard: We've got them cornered, now! We're bound to win now!  
  
?????? slaps her forhead. She can't believe they think cornering GIANT MECHS will destroy them. She X-fers them out of their misery.  
  
The three riders reach a mine shaft.  
  
Wedge: According to our data, the Esper should be in a mine shaft. Maybe this one...  
  
??????: Duh, it's the only place we can go to.  
  
Vicks (looks at Wedge): Are you sure the slave crown is working?  
  
Wedge: …Yes…I think…Something tells me it won't matter for much longer.  
  
They enter the mine shaft and another Guard appears.  
  
Guard: We won't hand over the esper!!  
  
Vicks: You're only one guard. What are you going to do against us?  
  
Guard: Luckily, I am the captain of the guards. So I'm smart enough to not fight you guys. But Whelk will! Whelk! Get them!  
  
As Whelk approaches, Vicks hops up and down.  
  
Vicks: Wait! Remember our briefing? I heard about a monster that stores lightning in his shell, and-  
  
??????: Alright already!!!  
  
Wedge: That's the second line she stole from us...  
  
?????? keeps pumping missles into Whelk's head and the other pair heal. Whelk eventually explodes.  
  
Wedge: Finally. To the Esper!  
  
They reach the esper, frozen in ice. As they approach, the area glows blue and they enter battle formation.  
  
Wedge: Hey! What's the matter? Do you know something we don't?  
  
The Esper glows. ??????, now called Girl, approaches the Esper.  
  
Girl:……  
  
Vicks: Were those four dots?  
  
Wedge: NO. Hey, where's that light coming from? Uwaaaaaaaa!!  
  
The bright light shines from the Esper onto to Wedge. He mysteriously dissapears.  
  
Vicks: Hey! Wedge……where are you? W……what's happening?  
  
The bright light turns Vicks into nothingness. Star Wars ™ (gulp!) hardcore fans lament the loss of Rogue Leader for the Nintendo Gamecube – I mean, the loss of Wedge and Biggs. Girl walks up to the Esper.  
  
Girl: ………… What? What are you talking about? You mean, is that who I am? Oh gosh, I know everything now! I know what I must do... But we haven't even played for an hour… Quick! Erase my memories!  
  
The Esper shoots electricity everywhere. The Magitek Armor explodes and the screen fades to black.  
  
  
  
________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
Notes: "...." = list of depraved sexual acts. For more information, play/watch Golgo 13. 


	4. Eeevil? Naaaaaaah...

Girl wakes up in bed, in a building. Some guy is standing there, waiting for her to talk to him.  
  
Girl: Why are you waiting there? Am I naked or something? Are you checking me out?  
  
Girl lifts blanket and looks.  
  
Girl: OK, I'm not naked. Get the elixir!  
  
Girl stands up, walks to the clock and takes the elixir. There are always elixirs hidden in clocks. Always. She checks the door; it's locked. Really.  
  
Girl: So Arvis, what's up? I mean… Where am I?  
  
Mode 7 kicks in and blurs the screen a little. Old man somehow notices this.  
  
Old Man: Whoa! And I only just removed the crown!  
  
Girl: …head…hurts…  
  
Mode 7 kicks in some more.  
  
Old Man walks over, picks up slave crown. Crown hovers in front of him.  
  
Old Man: Easy! This is a Slave Crown. The others had complete control over you while you were wearing it.  
  
Girl: (mutters to herself) That's what you think. (Out loud) I can't remember a thing… *snicker * thus I cannot be held responsible…  
  
Old Man: What are you talking about?  
  
Girl: I have amnesia. I have no memory.  
  
Narrator: A mysterious young woman, controlled by the Empire, and born with the gift of magic…… Please enter a name.  
  
Author: Let's see…  
  
Otaku: She still has a slave crown on in her picture.  
  
Author: Shhh! I'll call her "Tina."  
  
AOHell Instant Messenger: Sorry, that name is already taken. May we suggest Tina23 or Tina13 or Tina1337.  
  
Author:…Aw crap. This is what I get for being creative. "Terra" it is!  
  
Girl: My name……is…Terra…  
  
Outside, the big doberman brothers of the chihuahuas she toasted earlier run up to the house and bark, using the classic MIDI bark. Soldiers walk up to the house and bang on the door.  
  
Soldier: Open up! Give us back the girl and the Empire's Magitek Armor!!  
  
Terra: Empire…? Magitek Armor…? I don't know anything about THOSE…  
  
Terra gives a "sweet innocent girl" look. Audience goes "awww… She couldn't possibly be evil…"  
  
Old Man: Look, I have to get you out of here! I don't have time to explain!  
  
Terra: …ew. Don't touch me. Hentai.  
  
Old Man: ….  
  
Terra shoves him and runs out the back door. As she crosses a bridge, a soldier sees her.  
  
Soldier: She's up there!  
  
Terra ignores him and heads into the mineshaft.  
  
She steps on a glowing dot on the ground.  
  
Narrator: An eerie glow surrounds you. Want info about Save Points?  
  
Terra: No, I've only played this game fifty thousand times…  
  
Terra opens a treasure chest.  
  
Narrator: Got "Fenix Down!"  
  
Terra: Don't you mean, "Phoenix Down?"  
  
Narrator: No… I mean "Fenix Down!"  
  
Terra: But, you're misspelling it…  
  
Narrator: I don't hear you…  
  
Terra walks some more until she sees a doorway. A soldier pops out of it.  
  
Soldier: Got her!  
  
The soldiers corner Terra.  
  
Terra: You think you've cornered me. But now you're in Fire range! Hahahahahahaha!  
  
The ground breaks below her and she falls.  
  
When she lands, Terra struggles to move, but collapses. Mode 7 + fadeout = kickass special effects. 


	5. Slave Crowns: Dr 20/+3, Xtreme; Market P...

Terra has a flashback. She is strapped to a chair. Kefka is behind her. He grabs a crown.  
  
Kefka: My sweet little magic user…! Uweee, he, he! With this Slave Crown I'll practically OWN you!!  
  
Terra: The preferred name is Sorceress.  
  
Kefka: Hmmm?  
  
Terra: D&D 3rd edition makes a difference between the two types of magic user classes. Wizards study books to learn magic, while magic is an innate ability for a sorceress. Plus sorceresses are prettier 'cause they need higher charisma.  
  
Kefka: D&D 3rd ed? In a Square ™ game? And they think I'm crazy!  
  
Terra: Well, there are worse… *cough* Disney ™ *cough*.  
  
Kefka puts the Slave Crown on Terra.  
  
Terra: I… don't feel different. How do you "practically OWN me?"  
  
Kefka: It's so expensive that you feel indebted to me.  
  
Terra: Yeah right.  
  
Kefka: Um, it looks pretty.  
  
Terra: Hmm…Maybe.  
  
Kefka: And it raises your charisma, allowing you to cast more spells!  
  
Terra: Wait, I thought you didn't believe in 3rd ed!  
  
Kefka: See! I AM crazy! Uweee, he, he! Now go burn some soldiers!  
  
Terra: YAAAAY! Burning soldiers, la la la…  
  
Terra gets in Magitek Armor.  
  
Terra: Look at all the things I can do… but burning is always the best. MOERU!  
  
Kefka: Dilandau?  
  
Terra: I mean, burn. Fire, fire, heh heh.  
  
Kefka: Beavis?  
  
Terra: I mean, "…"  
  
Kefka: Whatever.  
  
Terra: Squall?  
  
Kefka: That's it! End flashback!  
  
Terra: Wait, we forgot the Nazi salute to Emperor Gestahl!  
  
Kefka: Right.  
  
Kefka hits fast forward.  
  
Emperor Gestahl is on the highest building in the capital of the Empire, surrounded by thousands of soldiers. Behind him are Kefka, General Leo, and a blond woman. Behind them is Terra, under the control of the Slave Crown.  
  
Gestahl: I'm the emperor! I rock! I got magic! I rock! I'll use magic to crush my foes! I rock! With my new-found power, nothing can stand in my way! I rock! To the eXtreme!  
  
Soldiers: All hail Emperor Gestahl! He rocks! To the eXtreme!  
  
Gestahl whoops out a guitar and starts wailing on it loudly while the soldiers give him a Nazi salute.  
  
Terra: (pointing at Gestahl) He's the idiot that's gonna die. (pointing at Kefka) It's unfortunate that he will die. (pointing at Leo) He's an even bigger idiot that will die even more pathetically. (pointing at woman) And the woman survives! How expected!  
  
-End Flashback-  
  
The scene finally shifts back to the house the Old Man is in. A man enters through the back door. As he heads towards the Old Man, he tries to grab everything he can see and stuff them in his pocket. 


	6. Sticky Fingers and Captain Pajamas (In h...

Old Man: Took you long enough! How does the robbing and plundering trade?  
  
Narrator: Treasure hunter and trail-worn traveler, searching the world over for relics of the past… Please give him a name.  
  
Author and Otaku: Locke.  
  
Locke: I PREFER the term treasure hunting!  
  
Old Man: And I PREFER that you don't "hunt" my "treasure!"  
  
Locke: Wh-What are you talking about?  
  
Locke's left pant pocket rips. Hundreds of GP and rare Terra Master cards (sealed and signed by Arvis) spill out of his pocket.  
  
Locke: Hehe… How did those get there? Anyway, were you the one who sent for me?  
  
Old Man: Yeah, there's a girl I want you to meet….  
  
Locke: Ew! Does this have to do with that Magitek-riding, imperial…witch?  
  
Old Man: She couldn't control herself, the same way you can't control yourself from picking up my sovenir shrapnel shards!  
  
Locke: Ow. Ow. Ow. Jeez, how much blood's gonna drip out of my hands?  
  
Old Man: At any rate, this town is finished unless we join forces with the Returners.  
  
Locke: Yeah, yeah yeah. We can talk about… this… later… Dang it!  
  
Locke reaches up for Old Man's commemerative war plates. As he tries to stuff them into his already full loot bag, the bag rips. Several dozen plates drop to the ground, shattering.  
  
Old Man: You know, you could at least wait for me to turn around before you steal my stuff. Go steal from Figaro; The king is a lot richer than me.  
  
Locke: Of course! Why am I holding your worthless crap when I can have Edgar … I mean, the king's toys?  
  
Locke drops his other loot bag full of Old Man's commemerative plates and runs out the back door.  
  
Locke gets to Terra, somehow surviving the fall that knocked her out. The guard does the smart thing and walks down the stairs.  
  
Guard: Now we gotcha!  
  
Locke: Wonderful… There's a whole bunch of 'em…  
  
Locke remembers the international rule of RPGs: If you touch one enemy sprite on the world map, it turns into fifty badguys in the battle screen.  
  
From behind, Locke hears the sounds of a cute animal we call Moogle.  
  
Random Moogle: Kupo…  
  
Locke: Moogles! So cute! Kawaiiiiiii!  
  
Locke proceeds to hug the Moogles. One of the moogles named Mog slaps Locke.  
  
Mog: Hey, I ain't down wit dat! We just came out to help you and your gf, brother!  
  
Locke: Um…Are you saying you want to help us?  
  
Mog: Sheeeit, he don't understand a thing I'm saying…  
  
Locke: OK, I'll guard Terra. That weird Moogle can guard me. And the third group can sacrifice themselves.  
  
Success! The third insignificant group sacrifices themselves, while Mog's group takes care of the remaining baddies.  
  
Locke: Thanks Moogles! We're in your debt!  
  
Mog: You killed my homeys, G. I'll bust a cap in yo ass if I ever see you again.  
  
Locke: They're at one hit point, ya know…  
  
Mog: Hey, you're right... Get off my Moogle Charm, biatch!  
  
Mog pushes Locke away from him.  
  
Locke decides it's time to leave. He picks up Terra and walks to the exit. He then drops Terra and looks at a switch. He then looks at the player.  
  
Locke: I'm making a big deal out of this switch to make sure that you remember it.  
  
Locke hits the switch and a secret entrance opens up. The sound wakes up Terra.  
  
Locke: Eh? You back with us now?!  
  
Terra: You…saved me? But you're a wimp!  
  
Locke: Hey, I helped…organize the Moogle attack… and stayed back, doing nothing… but that's not the point! I saved you.  
  
Terra: Oh, I can't remember a thing.  
  
Locke: You have amnesia?  
  
Terra: No, I fell unconscious. People don't exactly remember things when they're unconcious, dufus.  
  
Locke: Don't worry, your memory will eventually recover! You're safe with me! I give you my word!  
  
Terra: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do? Steal my enemies to death?  
  
Locke: Umm… Why don't we table that discussion for later. By the way, this secret entrance might be useful some day. Don't forget about it!  
  
Terra: …Shutup. And give me back my pendant.  
  
Locke: Sorry. Force of habit. 


	7. Ah, the dreaded Leafer...

Note: I seem to have a fanbase of some kind forming. I'm not really used to that... I guess I should try to make more episodes, eh?  
  
Finally on the world map, Terra and Locke stare in awe at the Mode 7 coolness that is the world map.  
  
Locke: Fantastic...  
  
Terra: Why are the mountains so flat?  
  
Locke: Umm...technological limitations?  
  
Terra: I guess... where are we going?  
  
Locke: Oh... Umm... Oh right! To Figaro Castle, so I can "borrow" some stuff from the king.  
  
Terra: You may be a gutsy thief, but you don't know the first thing about subtlety.  
  
Locke and Terra move south. As they enter a forest, they dissapear and mode 7 slams the screen into the player's face repeatedly.  
  
Locke: AAAHHHH!!! It's a random battle!  
  
Terra: Whatever...  
  
Locke: But-but-but... there's the dreaded leafer, and the mighty dark wind... and look at the mighty-  
  
Terra's fire spell burns her foes to a crisp.  
  
Locke: Uhh, the mighty fire. Never mind.  
  
They keep walking until they reach a desert.  
  
Terra: Umm... shouldn't we get water or something?  
  
Locke: Naaaaah. It only takes a few minutes to cross the desert, unless we run into a RANDOM battle! In which case-  
  
Terra: I Fireball them.  
  
Locke: You mean Fire right? We're not using D&D.  
  
Terra: Y-y-yeah, right. I forgot. Just like everything else I've forgotten.  
  
Terra drops the Player's Handbook in the sand and walks to the castle. Locke "absentmindedly" picks it up and puts in his bag.  
  
As they approach the castle, a guard blocks the door.  
  
Guard: Wait!  
  
Terra prepares her fire spell.  
  
Locke: Whoa, whoa!  
  
Guard: Hey! Oh, it's you. Proceed.  
  
Locke and Terra enter the castle. It's huge.  
  
Terra: Hmm... I wonder how smart these guards are. And how strong this castle is...  
  
A guard runs up to them.  
  
Guard: It doesn't look like it, but this castle incorporates some of the most high-tech devices in existence. For example,... Oops... they're all top-secret!  
  
Terra: Wow. These guys are idiots. They'll burn easily.  
  
Locke: ...Are you sure you're not evil?  
  
(Terra gives off an evil grin.)  
  
Locke: ...Uhhh...  
  
Terra and Locke enter the throne room. A rather handsome man is sitting on the king's seat. Locke and the handsome guy have a private chat. Finally, the handsome guy stands up and stares at Terra.  
  
Handsome guy: You mean, THIS young woman?  
  
The handsome guy looks Terra up and down laviciously, then turns around to talk to Locke again. Terra glares at him evilly and starts warming up a Fire spell.  
  
Terra: Who do you think you are?  
  
Handsome guy: Oh ... sorry!  
  
The handsome guy turns around and winks.  
  
Handsome guy: How rude of me to turn my back to a ... lady...  
  
Handsome guy blanches at the look Terra is giving him and takes a step back. 


	8. An ally to the Empire....

Narrator: The young king of Figaro Castle, ally to the Empire, and a master designer of machinery. Please give him a name.  
  
Otaku: "Ally to the Empire?" Bwahahahahahahhah! That was funny.  
  
Author: Okay, okay. Call him Edgar and get this over with.  
  
Edgar: I am Edgar, King of Figaro. Please don't kill me!  
  
Terra realizes they can see that she looks evil and goes back to looking all cute and innocent. She even sucks on a lolly pop and twirls a lock of green hair around her finger.  
  
Edgar and Locke: Awwwwww...  
  
Edgar and Locke both completely forget that she ever looked evil, and so do you, dear Audience. So do you...  
  
Locke: Well, I gotta go now.  
  
Locke leaves. Terra quickly notices that there is a lot less gold than when she and Locke entered. Edgar doesn't seem to notice, as he is busy staring at her... impressive... dress...  
  
Terra: Ahem. Stop staring at those...  
  
Edgar snaps out of it and struts around, all kingly-like.  
  
Edgar: Well, the Empire and Figaro are allies, so you're welcome here. It's not in my blood to harm a lady... unless ....  
  
Terra: No. No, no, no. Not ever. Never. No, not ever.  
  
Edgar: You sure?  
  
Terra: YES!  
  
Edgar: Damn...The line always worked for Golgo 13...  
  
Terra: Well, Golgo 13's ten thousand times the man you are. That's the one thing I do remember... (sighs wistfully.)  
  
Edgar grumbles.  
  
Terra: Why are you helping me again?  
  
Edgar: Well, I'll give you three reasons. One, I've heard you're quite flexible... Terra?  
  
Terra has already left the room. The guards are busy putting out the mysterious fire that has engulfed the curtains.  
  
Edgar: Umm... I didn't give my other two reasons....  
  
Terra walks through the castle.  
  
Terra: I suppose a normal girl would've found him dashing. Or at least slapped him. But I'm hardly ... normal. I just had the urge to make roast Edgar with a side of burning flirtatious pain.  
  
Terra walks around a bit until he meets the Matron.  
  
Terra: Matron? But, you're supposed to be in FF8...  
  
Matron: Edgar has a twin brother. He was such a nice boy...  
  
Terra: I didn't mention Edgar...  
  
-Start Flashback-  
  
Edgar and his brother.  
  
Brother: What's all this talk with father?  
  
Edgar: He's dying...  
  
Brother: It's as if... he's low on vitality...  
  
Edgar: He's dying.  
  
Brother: But... he won't get up...  
  
Edgar: He's dead!  
  
Brother: ...Tears? Did he spill water?  
  
Narrator: Edgar's twin brother, who traded the throne for his own freedom...  
  
Author: Sabin. Mash reminds me too much of the movie and the TV series.  
  
-End Flashback-  
  
Matron: Ah yes... His name is Sabin. Oh, he looked so much like his father!  
  
Terra: ...Are you done?  
  
Matron: Why, yes. Why do you-  
  
Terra is nowhere to be found. Guards are busy extinguishing the flames on the curtains in her room.  
  
  
  
  
  
Note: Terra's quote, "Not ever. Never. No, not ever." Is from the Worst Mega Man Fanfic Ever, Chapter 3. 


	9. Foresight with Guard 9

Oh god, oh god... Class is over... I'm free again... FREE!!  
  
Terra leaves the Matron and heads back to Edgar.  
  
Terra: Where's the bathroom?  
  
Edgar: So... do you like my castle? We don't have any bathrooms, but if you wanna squirt....  
  
Before Terra can slap Edgar, (and after Otaku beats the crap out of the author,) a guard rushes in.  
  
Guard: Someone from the empire is here to see you!  
  
Edgar: ...Probably Kefka!  
  
The camera quickly pans to the desert. Kefka and two guards are slowly walking towards the castle.  
  
Kefka: Why are we walking here? Why aren't we riding Magitek armor?  
  
Guard 1: Ummm, they said they'd deliver them overnight...  
  
Kefka: Grr... I hate these recon jobs! Edgar, you pinhead! Why'd you have to live in the middle of nowhere?  
  
Guard 2: Well, yeah. Why is he living here? It's not even close to town...  
  
Kefka: Oh, never mind...  
  
Kefka stares at his boots.  
  
Kefka: Ahem...there's SAND on my boots!  
  
Guard 1: We're in a fickin' desert. OF COURSE there's sand on your boots.  
  
Kefka quickly stabs Guard 1.  
  
Kefka: Get another guard and clean my BOOTS!  
  
Guard 2 and Guard 3 (ran in from offscreen) quickly clean his boots.  
  
The Figaro door Guard steps in front of the door.  
  
Guard (I guess he's number four): Sir Kefka!? What on earth do...  
  
Kefka: Wait... this is earth? I thought we weren't supposed to know which planet this was...  
  
Guard 4: Well... Um...  
  
Kefka: I mean, what exactly is their explanation behind making a series of games that have almost nothing to do with each other, and yet they are "sequels?"  
  
Guard 4: Well... Ummm... Tidus looks pretty cool...  
  
Kefka: We're not supposed to KNOW about- aaarrrrgggh! Outta my way!  
  
Kefka shoves Guard 4 aside and enters. Edgar is there to greet him.  
  
Edgar: What brings Kefka, servant of Emperor Gestahl, into our lowly presence?  
  
Kefka: A girl of no importance escaped from us. We heard she found refuge here...  
  
Edgar: Her village burned down when a Black Knight and his Dragoon friend brought an explosive package, right?  
  
Kefka: NOT Rydia! She... merely stole something of minor value.  
  
Edgar: Like that pirate who has a hydra to drive his ship when there's no wind?  
  
Kefka: That's FARIS! Geez! Just give me the girl!  
  
Edgar: Oh, that's a tough one. You see, there're more girls here than grains of sand out there. I can't keep track of 'em all! Especially that princess of Alexandria...  
  
Kefka: Garnet. Her name is... Ah, I'm not even supposed to know about this! I'd hate to be you if we find out you're lying... Mwa, ha! I hope nothing happens to your precious Figaro!  
  
Kefka, Guard 2 and Guard 3 leave.  
  
Edgar walks up to Locke.  
  
Locke: I'd say he's missing a few buttons...  
  
Edgar: And I'd say I'm missing some gold... drop the bag.  
  
Locke hands the bag of gold to Edgar, but Edgar's too distracted by Terra to notice.  
  
Edgar: Take her to my room... I'll get the aprodisiacs...  
  
Edgar runs past Terra to his throne room.  
  
Edgar: Follow me.  
  
Terra: Why should I?  
  
Locke: Umm... I found a bathroom...  
  
Terra: Oh, right! The bathroom... Yeah... (Terra looks around nervously)  
  
Locke and Terra walk to a small bedroom (not the royal bedroom, of course.)  
  
Terra: Well...What are you still doing here? I'm trying to sleep. Go off and steal the chair or something.  
  
Locke: That's TREASURE HUNTING the chair!... On the surface, Edgar pretends to support the Empire. But the truth is, he's collaborating with the-  
  
Terra shoves him out of the room.  
  
Terra: GOOD NIGHT, jackass.  
  
Terra manages to close the doors. (don't ask where the doors are)  
  
Locke: Well, at least I got the chair.  
  
Locke picks up the chair he "treasure hunted" from Terra's room. 


	10. Wearing a bit thin...

To all of my patient followers:  
  
Finals are over. I'm in solitary confinement. So expect a lot more of these.  
  
  
  
Later that night, Edgar gets out of bed.  
  
Edgar: Hmm? What the- where'd she go? She promised that we'd have some fun. In fact, I don't remember anything after I drank that liquid she gave me... and where's my wallet?  
  
(Edgar takes a deep breath, and smells something strange.)  
  
Edgar: What the!?  
  
Edgar runs outside. The castle is on fire. Edgar runs up to one of the guards.  
  
Edgar: What's happening?  
  
Guard 1: FIRE!!!  
  
Edgar: Aren't you supposed to say, "It's the Empire! It's Kefka!?"  
  
Guard 1: FIRE!!!  
  
Edgar: ...Idiot, follow the script!  
  
Guard 1: But I'm on FIRE!!!  
  
Guard 1 stops, drops and rolls off the castle wall in an attempt to put out the flames.  
  
Edgar: Fine, I'll roleplay this myself, then. *Ahem* Oh look, it's Kefka. I wonder if he knows anything about this? *wink, wink*  
  
Kefka and two soldiers arrive.  
  
Kefka: Brind me the girl. Now!  
  
Edgar: I don't know what you're talking about!  
  
Kekfa: Then... welcome to my barbecue!! Uwa ha ha ha!  
  
Soldier 1 (weren't they guards in the last episode?): Fire, fire! Heh, heh, heh.  
  
Edgar: Beavis? (Points to Soldier 2) Butthead?  
  
Guard 2: FIRE!!!  
  
Kefka: Geez, doesn't anyone know the script?  
  
Edgar: The flames burned mine.  
  
Kefka: This is when you go to your emergency escape plan...  
  
Edgar: Oh, right! Thanks!  
  
Edgar talks to Guard 3. Then Kefka approaches him.  
  
Kefka: Changed your mind?  
  
Edgar: Umm...Yes, she's asleep in the east tower.  
  
Kefka: NO! Wrong line!  
  
Edgar: Oh, umm... I'll get you next time, Gadget. Next time. (meow)  
  
Kefka: ...  
  
Edgar: I mean, I'll haunt you til the day you die, X!  
  
Kefka: ...  
  
Edgar: Umm... Can't we all just... get along?  
  
Kefka: That's it, I'm outta here. (Kefka heads to the castle entrance.)  
  
Edgar: Oh boy. If the producers find out about this... I think it's time for me to go, too.  
  
Three chocobos run alongside the castle wall.  
  
Edgar: Hmm, that's convienient... Almost as if it were scripted...  
  
Edgar jumps on one of the chocobos. They run around to the otherside of the castle, where Locke and Terra are waiting.  
  
Edgar: Where are you going? I need to reach my trailer and grab my stuff! Stop. You hear me? STOP!  
  
The chocobos stop. Terra and Locke land butt first on the sand.  
  
Terra: Locke...  
  
Locke: It's not my fault (this time.) Edgar was supposed to keep them moving!  
  
Edgar: Wait, these chocobos are scripted to appear?  
  
Terra and Locke: YES  
  
Edgar: Heehee... sorry about that.  
  
Terra slaps Edgar.  
  
Terra: THAT's for my butt.  
  
Terra slaps Locke.  
  
Terra: And THAT's for trying to steal my pendant. Again.  
  
Locke: I can't help it, it looks shiny...  
  
Edgar: We should step away from the castle... It's about to close.  
  
Figaro castle closes itself, and submerges into the sand. 


	11. Mario Kart Physics and Part 1 of the C s...

Kefka wipes the sand off of himself, and points to two Magitek Armors (Now equipped with MagiRiders ™!)  
  
Kefka: Go!! GET THEM!  
  
Riders (They are really guards, but...): Yes sir! Please stand aside as we eliminate them!  
  
Kefka: Shut up and go. I have sand on my boots...  
  
The Riders quickly chase after Terra, Locke, and Edgar. The Riders are quickly catching up.  
  
Locke: Uh-oh! They're catching up... I know!  
  
Locke reaches into his coat and pulls out a mushroom.  
  
Locke: Super mushroom burst, GO!  
  
Locke quickly eats the mushroom, and lies flat on the chocobo's back.  
  
Terra: ...Are you trying to mate with the chocobo or something?  
  
Locke (stares at Terra, scared): You're using the mushroom boost, too? Quick, streamline yourself before the super high intense speed rips you to shreds! Oh my god, I can barely hear myself anymore. We're approaching the sound barrier!  
  
Terra: The only thing that's super high around here is you. Why would mushrooms make your chocobo faster, anyway?  
  
Edgar: While this discussion about realism in Mario Kart is interesting and all, I think we should address the Magitek Armor. They've caught up to us, and the chocobos are tired.  
  
Locke: Did we run low on coins? Our speed will max out when we get 10...  
  
Terra: ...You know, you two really are idiots. Should I kill you guys and get the reward? Nah; Burning Magitek Armor is way more fun!  
  
Terra prepares her fire spell and burns one of the Magitek Armors. Edgar freaks out.  
  
Edgar: !!!  
  
Suddenly, the desert setting changes into a television studio. On stage, there are three chairs. Terra is in one of them, while freaked out Edgar and Locke are in front of their chairs.  
  
Studio Audience: C! C! C! C! C! C! C! C! C!  
  
A man wearing a suit holding a microphone walks on stage. He is definitely NOT the author.  
  
C: Thanks for the greeting folks. Welcome to another (actually the first, but roll with it) episode of the C show. Our first topic: Magic users – valued or feared? Today our guests are Terra, Edgar, and Locke. Terra, would you like to explain what happened-  
  
One of the cameras erupts into flames. Edgar freaks out even more.  
  
Terra: Story explained.  
  
C: I see. Well, we're here to help Edgar cope with this new discovery. Locke, perhaps you should talk to him.  
  
Locke: Edgar, what's the matter? You look positively spooked!  
  
Edgar: Ddddddid you just see what I saw...?  
  
Locke: Yeah......This kid seems loaded for bear......  
  
Rider 1 (In the audience, taking up about 12 seats): What does that even mean?  
  
Rider 2 (Next to him): Don't ask. Don't interrupt the healing process.  
  
Edgar: She's amazing!  
  
Audience starts hooting and hollering.  
  
Edgar: In a non-sexual way...  
  
Audience boos and throws junk at him. Locke blocks most of the bottles and cans (so he can recycle them for cash.)  
  
Edgar: That was magic! M-A-G-I-C!  
  
Locke finally realizes that Terra was using magic and not throwing grenades, and freaks out.  
  
Locke:  
  
M  
  
M  
  
M  
  
M  
  
M  
  
M  
  
M  
  
M  
  
Magic?!  
  
She used magic?  
  
Edgar and Locke whisper to each other.  
  
C: In the meantime, I'll take comments from the audience. You there.  
  
We'll be right back after these commercial messages. 


	12. C show concludes

And now, back to our show.  
  
C: In the meantime, I'll take comments from the audience. You there.  
  
A yellow spiky haired man stands up. His sword is as tall as he is.  
  
Yellow Spiky Haired Man: Hmm... Well, fire materia is pretty cheap... Why don't those two just equip some into their slots?  
  
C: Interesting... you there. Blond monkey.  
  
Blond Monkey: She doesn't have a horn sticking out of her head, and I can see her face. She's not a mage! Where's the pointy hat? I want Vivi back...  
  
C: Shut up, Blond Monkey. (Looks at another audience member.) Oh geez... other blond guy... is that lederhosen?  
  
Other Blond Guy (in high-pitched, whiny voice): I can cast hastaga so Rikku can steal 4 times a round! Clearly, Terra's sphere grid started in Lulu's area.  
  
Other Blond Guy (in deep voice-over 'cause the subwoofer is on): Lulu was so hot. I only tagged along because of her. I couldn't wait for us to beat Sin so could I bang her into the deepest realms of pure ecstasy. Just thinking about undressing her is enough to make me goo in my pants. In fact, I'm thinking about it right now...  
  
The entire audience stares at Other Blond Guy in disgust.  
  
Other Blond Guy (Barry White voice-over): At that moment, I realized that... the voice-over made me sound sexy, but everyone knew that I was a jerk. Haste!  
  
Other Blond Guy casts haste on himself and runs to the nearest bathroom.  
  
C: I see...It seems that Locke and Edgar have finished whispering.  
  
Edgar and Locke face Terra.  
  
Edgar: Terra...... where on earth did you learn that?  
  
Terra: .........(faces the Magitek Armor, speaks loudly) Sorry......I......um......  
  
Locke: Look, I didn't mean to make such a big deal out of this.  
  
Edgar: Me either......it's just that I've never actually SEEN magic before! Where did you...?  
  
Terra (in a much lower voice, towards the Magitek Armor): ...really should have killed them and turned them in to get the reward money...  
  
C: Whoa! Things are heating up! This situation could get worse... I'll take someone from the audience... you there. Black-haired guy wearing black leather coat and pants!  
  
Guy: ...............Whatever.  
  
C: That's the spirit! Locke, Edgar: Don't make a big deal about it!  
  
Locke: Edgar, Terra can use magic, and we can't. That's the only difference between us. The fact is......we could use her help!  
  
Terra realizes that she can't reveal her true nature yet, so she reverts to her cute and innocent act.  
  
Terra: Thank you, Locke! Thank you, Edgar!  
  
Audience cheers.  
  
C: Yes! That was what we needed! Let's all thank Black-haired guy wearing black leather coat and pants for this!  
  
Guy: .................Whatever.  
  
Terra gives Locke and Edgar a wink. Audience hoots and hollers. Edgar and Locke blush and slowly slide offstage. And some emulators will even say that their heads cut off (it's true, try it!)  
  
Terra: Stop swooning...!  
  
Rider 1: Whatever. Let's just go kill them now.  
  
Rider 2: But they reconciled! They understand that their differences are minute and meaningless!  
  
Rider 1: Reconcile, Schmeconcile. We've been paid to kill them, and that's what I plan to do.  
  
Rider 2: Over my dead body!  
  
Rider 1: Oh, you want a piece of this?  
  
Rider 1 and Rider 2 fight each other. The audience yells, "fight, fight, fight, fight!" As security officers try to push the Magitek Armors away from each other. Security officers are crushed and large portions of the audience are blown away by Tek Lasers.  
  
Finally, the Armors are nothing more than scrap metal. Most of the audience has been reduced to scraps, too.  
  
C: Hmm...Well, on the next C show: Black-haired guy wearing black leather coat and pants – what happened between discs 2 and 3? How could he fall so deeply in love with Rinoa in only 15 seconds?  
  
Guy: ...............Whatever.  
  
Kefka hops up and down, while shaking his fist at Square.  
  
Kefka: Son of a submariner! They'll pay for this...  
  
Guy: ...............Whatever. 


End file.
